yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize