I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
