Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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