mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
