I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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