dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Panties = found
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