we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
