Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
