everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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