What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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