thus making me awesome and them whores
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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