shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
