I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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