ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
