I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
