Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
