Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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