He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
