After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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