i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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