I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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