Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
