I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
