Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
