need another drink. this is the easiest way
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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