You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
