five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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