I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
