I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
