i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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