my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
