It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
