Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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