i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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