I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
