I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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