"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
