he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
