mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
