lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
