Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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