Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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