I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
