Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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