worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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