my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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