then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
