The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
