we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
