This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
