and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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