then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
