Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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