My liver just broke up with me...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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