Sponge bath it is.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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