Don't make out with my wife yet
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
