I wish my penis had an off switch
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
