Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
