I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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