dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
