my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have aggressive nipples.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
