update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He keeps bees of course he's weird
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
