Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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